addicted to
i'm not here to win
i'm here to leave a legacy
it's the passion that drives you
endorphins
pain
exhaustion
chasing this insane dream
perfection
tagboard ;
guestbook
although i think i should reward myself for having been so focused on training for the past few days. with school nationals drawing so near (11 more days only!), i have finally got myself to start thinking more like someone who is going to compete in a race. sounds confusing? (suddenly asking rhetorical qtns reminds me of hilarious AQs read during GP) basically, for the past who knows how many months (i haven't even bothered to keep track), my feelings toward training have been rather negative. cept for those long runs or like occasional hill workouts, i've pretty much been dreading training sessions. i just canNOT help comparing.. how do you put 2.5 years of a specific type of training behind you and just adapt to a completely different event/ style of coaching/ training prog? i'm not good at adapting to changes in the first place... it's really been very VERY hard for me.. to add to that there's all the emo baggage i have to clear out of my head.
yeah, so basically, i've never been so distracted during trainings in my life. there's a false sense of effort.. yes i am concentrating, yes i am putting in the time, yes i am there moving my legs and working my heart,.. but i've never been FOCUSED on achieving my goals, not like i used to be anyway. if you've seen how i used to train/ race, you'd know that sometimes i wasn't even aware of any pain my physical body was feeling. gah so anywayzzz, i've made it through the months and now i'm 11 days away from the beginning of the end. i'm scared i'll look back on this whole thing with so many regrets. but at this moment, i know i really did try my best. there are some things we just have no control over. if i had put more effort into training my studies could possibly have suffered even more (they are seriously cmi at the moment anyways). haha. okay so i hope that after the race if i feel upset i will read this post and i will feel happier.
it was a really great experience being part of the hc xctry team.. exposed to the very unique culture of hc cross country runners.. hahah. it's cool to see how the coaches/ teachers and students work together so well. plus! coaches/ teachers are actually aware of the academic aspect of your life! lol.
rah. yes so i must not give up! 11 days to get back the old me.. part of it at least. then give it all i've got on the 23rd. i really hope i'll be able to contribute.. ahah. i honestly do believe that there is a lot of me that hasn't "come out" yet. hope i can get it out in time.. (i am starting to sound like a monster or something.. inner mes that have yet to come out. lol.) just gotta find the right keys :)
okay i am super slacking right now. no mood to do work. haha. but really i'm quite sick of having to think about schoolwork all the time. hahah i am also recovering from post-BT1 results blues.. zz i must not be so stressed about schoolwork. it really does feel a bit wrong to put it ahead of so many things.. but i mean putting it behind other things doesn't mean that i should spend less time on it. i guess it just means taking away the subconscious pressure i put on myself to GO DO WORK NOW. haha. ah but it really is quite frightening when you count down to As. and think about all the KNOWLEDGE and SKILLS you have to have right at your fingertips by then.
woah long post...